Rules for Fair Fighting

Our blog, Only The Ceremony, is about your wedding or other ceremony however, the topic for this blog is essential to all relationships and very much worth noting.

For about 10 years Charlie did pre-marriage, pre-Cana retreats with the Engaged Encounter Movement. EE focused on preparing for marriage and used material from the Worldwide Marriage Encounter Movement. What follows is a list from Marriage Encounter about the Rules for “Fighting Fair”

Please note, the term fight, used here by Marriage Encounter, never refers to any physical or verbal abuse.If you are experiencing physical, verbal or emotional violence or abuse, whether you are male or female, please seek help immediately, talk to someone, anyone: a counselor, parent, friend, sibling, the police, pastor, co-worker, anyone, immediately! The silence of Domestic Violence must be shattered.

What follows are Rules for “Fighting Fair”, we hope they can be a help, if needed.

~Avoid criticism. Remember that criticism and sarcasm wound people and destroy our capacity to belong to each other.
~Avoid name-calling and character assassination.
~Never fight when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
~It is a waste of time placing blame. Since you can’t un-spill the milk, work at moving forward.
~Avoid using absolutes, such as, “you always” or “you never” or “every time.” They are not true.
~Finish the fight. Even if there are tears, be sensitive, but do not walk away. Continue the fight for your relationship.
~Do not bring in third parties. A parent, a friend, a person at work has no part in your confrontation. The real problem is often a miscommunication.
~Stay physically close to each other. An affectionate touch helps each to know that there is nothing that cannot be worked out in love.
~The issue under discussion is never as important as the two of you are. Being right is not as important as being in relationship.
~Fight for clarification, not to win. If I “win” a fight then I’m sleeping with a loser.

We hope this is helpful.
Charlie and Cheryl Cavalconte


A Hopeful Quote

“When we come to the end of all the light there is and we face nothing but the darkness, we must trust that one of two things will happen: either we will have something firm to stand on, or we will be learn how to fly.”

We love this quote. I came across this quote as I was waiting for a job interview. I was not feeling at the top of my game and this quote gave me the the boost I needed. I have suggested it to so many people as a note of encouragment. We hope it is helpful to you. The research of who wrote the quote lead me to Edward Teller as the reported author.

Enjoy. Charlie and Cheryl Cavalconte

In Preparation for Valentine’s Day

In preparation for Valentine’s Day, this coming, Saturday, we thought to prepare for the day by sharing a few thoughts, prose and poems we have encountered along the way. We hope you enjoy them and share them with your special love.
The following is attributed to Carl Sandburg.

I love you for what you are, but I love you yet more for what you are going to be. I love you not so much for your realities as for your ideals. I pray for your desires that they may be great. Rather than for your satisfactions, which may be so hazardously little. A satisfied flower is one whose petals are about to fall. The most beautiful rose is one hardly more than a bud wherein the pangs and ecstasies of desires are working for larger and finer growth. Not always shall you be what you are now. You are going forward toward something great. I am on the way with you and therefore I love you.

Enjoy. Charlie and Cheryl Cavalconte

I wrote his name along the beach – A Poem

We live in Rhode Island, the smallest state in the United States. We are blessed to have the beach all about us everyday in every season. This week we see the beach, with now close to over two feet of snow, being kissed daily by the ice floats on the waters in a silent winter beauty.The following poem, shared by Don Cadoret a local artist, reminds us of warmer and sunnier days.

I wrote his name along the beach,
I love the letters so.
Far up it seemed and out of reach,
For still the tide was low.
But oh, the sea came creeping up,
And washed the name away,
And on the sand where it had been
A bit of sea-grass lay.
A bit of sea-grass on the sand,
Dropped from a mermaid’s hair,
Ah, had she come to kiss his name
And leave a token there?

Sara Teasdale- 1911

Enjoy. Charlie and Cheryl Cavalconte

It’s all I have to bring today. A Poem.

In light of Valentine’s Day being this Saturday, we thought to publish a few poems. Don Cadoret, is a local artist we know and whose work we love. He included the following poem in an email announcing a new creation for Valentine’s Day. You can see his art at

It’s all I have to bring today
This, and my heart beside
This, and my heart, and all the fields
And all the meadows wide
Be sure you count – should I forget
Some one the sum could tell
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the Clover dwell.
Emily Dickinson, 1830-1886


Enjoy. Charlie and Cheryl Cavalconte